Alcohol and me...

Today I can announce that I have not touched any alcohol for six months. To be honest, it's no hardship and, as I've said before, it's not as if I had to give up drinking: I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink too much, there's no reason whatsoever other than what's the point in drinking? I can truthfully say, however, that alcohol has never been a friend to me, it's not something that in anyway makes me feel better. Now that I'm not drinking, for example, I've noticed I sleep better. I don't wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing – unless I have a bad dream, which is rare – and generally I feel good. Furthermore, I don't suffer from headaches or weariness in the morning (as I used to if I'd been drinking the night before). There are so many benefits to not drinking: I can drive a car without thinking how many units of alcohol I've consumed; if I go out anywhere I can drive and not have to worry about public transport late at night or having to get a cab home, and guess what? The chances of me making a fool of myself, saying or doing something I'll later regret or just simply looking awful (bloodshot eyes) is nil, it won't happen. I'll never wake up in the morning wondering what the hell I said to so and so or whether I really did shout obscenities at the boss, or surely I didn't make lewd comments in front of relatives, not me, surely? But in the past I can testify to doing much worse and all because I overdid the alcohol. Well, not any more. I'm through.

"Broken night, sir? Said something you shouldn't, sir?"

I'm saving money too. I'm amazed when I go out for a meal how low the bill is when it arrives. "How much?" Booze bumps up the price considerably. Take it away and virtually every meal is good value, but there is a problem. Not an unsolvable problem, but a problem nonetheless. In the days of alcohol, I used to look forward to reaching a restaurant (when on business abroad), ordering a meal and a large glass of Cabernet and just chilling. That moment when my lips touch the glass in the pleasant surroundings, say, of my favourite restaurant in Dusseldorf (Da Bruno on Karlstrasse) is priceless. I used to immediately relax and look forward to my meal. Well, not last week. I went back to Da Bruno roughly a year after my last visit and, oddly, I wasn't looking forward to it because I knew I wouldn't be drinking my large glass of red wine. Instead I ordered a bottle of sparkling mineral water and found myself sitting there purely to go through the motions of eating, as if it didn't really matter where I ate out as long as I was, in a sense, refuelling my body because that's all I was doing. I wasn't enjoying the experience, I might as well have been in a coffee shop or a caff with a big mug of tea. In other words, not drinking changes the eating out dynamic considerably, almost to the point of there being no point. In many ways it's quite depressing because it takes away the enjoyment.

I am being extremely puritanical at the moment. Not only am I not drinking, I've also stopped caffeine, preferring decaffeinated everything and drinking a lot of peppermint tea when I visit a coffee shop like Starbucks or Costa. The problem here is that I compensate by eating cake (I have to have some vice) and now I'm thinking: perhaps I ought to give up cake too, and biscuits and bread, all of which I've stepped up a little over the past six months. In fact, even visiting a coffee shop is becoming a little boring and would become more so if I stopped eating cake, so I appear to be cutting off all avenues of fun and enjoyment in life. I'm now viewing things through a different lense, looking down (slightly) on those with a drink in their hands and longing for the solitude of my hotel room where I can write or watch television or just go to sleep, hit the sack early and feel refreshed in the morning.

The thing is, though, I don't want to go back to drinking. I've started to imagine how I'd feel if, for example, I'd ordered a glass of red wine in Da Bruno the other night: I would feel so disappointed in myself and I'd hate the notion that I had gone back six months and would have to revisit Day One again and wouldn't be in the position I am now until late October.

I'm also avoiding certain people and specific scenarios where I might be pressurised into having a drink – "Go on, a half won't hurt you!" – or simply avoiding people because I know they'll give me a hard time. Not that I'd crumble. I've already been in such scenarios and have been adamant that I'm not touching a drop, but there's always a lot of explaining to do and a real need to explain too, as if the act of announcing that I'm not drinking is not enough and has to be backed up with solid reasons in order to regain the acceptance of those who fully expect me to 'have a few beers'.

"What you drinking?"
"Nothing, I thought I'd lay off for a while."
"Not drinking? You? Bloody hell, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, just thought I'd give it a rest."
"How about a half?"
"No, thanks, just a no-alcohol beer will do."
"Go on, have a half, won't do you any harm."
"It's not that, I just don't want to drink."
"Well how about something different, a whisky, gin?"
"No, really, I'll just have a no-alcohol beer."
"I can't believe this; I never thought I'd see the day, my old mate not drinking."
"It's not forever."
"You're getting old, that's what it is, the slippery slope."
"Age has nothing to do with it, I just want to lay off for a while."
"You're getting boring in your old age."
"Fuck off!"
"No, seriously, you're getting old."
"Aren't we all."
"Yes, but why give up drinking? Come on just a half."
"No seriously, I'll have a no-alcohol beer."
"Gaylord."

The thing is, people don't accept it and I guess I've got to accept that fact, I'll be crossed off their Christmas card list and not invited to future events because I'm no longer 'one of them'. Some people say that's fine and at least you know who your true friends are, and yes, that's true, but 'not drinking' is viewed with suspicion. People don't want non-drinkers around them, remembering everything they do and say while under the influence and adopting a stance of superiority over them as if to say "silly idiot, one day you'll learn".

For now, though, I'm sticking with not drinking because I feel good and I feel free. I can drive a car when I want to, I sleep better at night, I don't wake up feeling weary and I certainly don't make a fool of myself in public and then worry about what I might have said or done. All round, the benefits outweigh the downsides.